How to Lead a Team Member Through Insecurity Without Crushing Their Spirit
Every leader eventually faces this moment…
- A team member with real potential…
- A team member you’ve invested in…
- A team member who should be leveling up…
…suddenly begins wrestling with internal turmoil.
- They get defensive.
- They over-explain.
- They withdraw.
- They compare themselves to others.
- They resent the gap between who they are and who they want to be.
Most leaders respond with either pressure or rescue. But transformation lives in neither extreme. What a developing leader actually needs is what Jesus modeled with Peter:
Truth with honor. Strength with compassion. Correction with calling.
“The One part Lion. One part Lamb. Way”
And before we get into the tactical framework, this is a great moment for you as a leader to assess your own tendencies. You can take the Leadership Alignment Assessment here and identify where your Lion and Lamb postures may be out of balance.
Now let’s get into the framework.
1. The Core Truth: Their Struggle Is Not About Skill… It’s About Identity
When a team member is emotionally overwhelmed, the real issue is rarely competence.
Performance problems often mask identity wounds.
- What looks like stubbornness is usually fear.
- What looks like defensiveness is usually shame.
- What looks like withdrawal is usually “I don’t feel good enough.”
Deep down, this team member wants:
- to be respected
- to feel trusted
- to feel capable
- to know they belong
- to know you see them
- to feel like their seat is secure
Because they don’t know how to say these needs out loud, insecurity compensates by showing up sideways:
- Over-explaining
- Over-defending
- Comparison
- subtle resentment
- shutting down
- “I must prove myself” energy
You don’t fix insecurity with correction. You fix it with identity.
Identity stabilizes performance. Not the other way around.
2. The Leadership Loop: The 3-Step Rhythm That Grows a Leader Instead of Wounding Them
This loop is simple enough to remember, strong enough to change anyone who is willing.
A) Affirm the person, not the performance
Before speaking into their direction or decisions, speak into who they are becoming.
Say things like:
“I see your growth.”
“Your work ethic is solid.”
“You’re becoming a stronger leader each month.”
“I trust your process.”
Affirmation removes fear. Fear is what blocks development.
Once identity is affirmed, truth can land without triggering defensiveness.
B) Ask shaping questions instead of giving solutions
This is where most leaders default to control. But questions grow leaders faster than instructions ever will.
Ask:
“What do you see here?”
“Walk me through your logic.”
“What outcome are you targeting?”
“What would good stewardship look like?”
“Where do you sense God leading this decision?”
This accomplishes two things:
- They develop their leadership muscle.
- Their insecurities surface without being exposed or shamed.
A leader who solves their own problem becomes ten times stronger than a leader who gets told what to do.
Asking strengthens. Telling shrinks. (Invite them in a greater version of themselves)
C) Validate first, calibrate second
Once they share their thoughts, follow this pattern:
Validate
“I can see why you’d think that.”
“That’s actually sharp.”
“Your logic makes sense.”
Then calibrate
“Consider adding this.”
“Here’s another angle.”
“Adjust this small piece and the whole thing gets stronger.”
Validation protects dignity. Calibration protects direction.
This is how Jesus developed Peter: correction without humiliation.
3. Addressing the Hidden Resentment That Often Emerges
When a team member struggles internally, frustration often leaks out toward the leader.
It’s not that they dislike you.
It’s that they feel:
- Behind
- Overshadowed
- not enough
- embarrassed by past decisions
- unable to match your pace
They’re not resenting you. They’re resenting the gap between who they are and who they think they should be. This is where the Identity Reset Conversation changes everything.
A private, 10-minute conversation can restore months of emotional drift.
Practical Framework:
“Listen, you’re not here to fill a role. You’re here because I see leadership inside you.
I’m not comparing you to anyone. I’m calling you into the strongest version of yourself.
- You’ve grown more than you realize.
- You don’t owe me perfection.
- You owe the team your hunger, honesty, humility, and ownership.
- We’re walking forward together as partners, not as a superior and a shadow.”
When a developing leader believes…
- “I belong.”
- “I’m not being compared.”
- “I’m not failing quietly.”
- “My leader respects me.”
…their insecurity loses power instantly.
Their alignment returns. -> Their confidence reignites. -> Their loyalty deepens.
4. Guardrails You Must Maintain: The Lion Protects the Lamb
This part is essential.
Empathy cannot replace boundaries.
To lead well, you cannot:
- rescue their emotions
- internalize their shame
- tolerate repeated excuses
- walk on eggshells
- lower the standard to protect their feelings
What you must do:
- stay neutral
- stay consistent
- stay truthful
- keep the standard clear
- hold accountability without humiliating them
A mature Lion doesn’t roar at the person. He roars at the chaos, trying to swallow the person.
Strength with gentleness.Clarity with compassion.
This is integrated leadership.
If you want deeper clarity on your own leadership tendencies, take the… Leadership Alignment Assessment – Take the Leadership Alignment Assessment.
5. A Six-Month Development Blueprint to Transform an Insecure Performer Into a Confident Leader
Here’s an actionable roadmap you can use with anyone on your team who wants to grow.
Months 1–2: Identity
- rebuild trust and safety
- speak identity over performance
- shift their inner narrative
- create private wins that build confidence
Months 3–4: Ownership
- ask instead of tell
- have them present solutions
- affirm them publicly
- let them lead small but meaningful initiatives
Months 5–6: Legacy
- assign a project they lead fully
- review and refine monthly
- mentor them to think like an owner
- transition them toward second-chair leadership abilities
By the end of this cycle, they’re no longer leading from insecurity. They’re leading from identity, purpose, and internal clarity.
Why This Matters Spiritually
Leadership is not merely operational. It is deeply spiritual.
When you guide a team member through insecurity using presence instead of pressure, you are learning to:
- father leaders
- multiply identity
- govern with wisdom
- steward culture
- elevate people into their God-given design
God is not just developing your business. He is developing your ability to develop people.
This is the LionLamb Way. This is integrated leadership. This is how you build people who rise, lead, and last.
If you want to discover your own growth edges as a leader, take the Leadership Alignment Assessment – Discover Your Leadership Alignment.
Bonus Resources
- Harvard Business Review – Emotional Intelligence in Leadership
- Gallup Workplace Leadership Studies – leadership development data
- 5 Qualities of an Effective Leader
- How to Lead and Inspire Others
Much Love & Light, God bless
Stephen
