One of the best things in life is spending it with a romantic partner. My relationship with my wife has made my life ridiculously better, and I want you to find that for yourself. That said, it’s amazing how much worse your life can be when you’re with the wrong person. That’s why you need to answer these 6 questions about your romantic relationship.
You can’t afford to settle for anything less than the best, and my hope is that these questions will help you process the health and stability of your relationship so you can identify the best and never let them go.
Question #1 – Are They Your Best Friend?
As important as physical attraction is in a romantic relationship, it’s even more important that you enjoy being with someone for the sake of their company. If they don’t feel like your best friend (or at least one of your best friends), then you may not be the best match for one another.
I weigh friendship based on the following terms:
- Connection
- Trust
- Accountability
Connection is the broadest category. It includes enjoyment, acceptance, and a general feeling of warmth. The issue of connection brings several questions to ask about your romantic relationship. Do you laugh with each other? Are you truly seen by your significant other, and do you see them? Is there genuine chemistry in your interactions? Does conversation flow fairly naturally? Some of these things can take time to develop. That said, if you’ve been with someone for a while and these things aren’t there, then you need to either press in harder to find them or break it off.
Trust is even more important. Are they honest with you? Do they have your back? Is there suspicion underneath your interactions? Have you ever caught them lying? If there isn’t trust in your relationship, build it or go your separate ways. It won’t last without it. Accountability will follow trust and go hand-in-hand with it. Generally speaking, if they aren’t willing to be held accountable for their actions by you and you don’t trust them to hold you accountable in a gracious way, then you probably have a problem. The healthiest relationships have space for each person to challenge the other.
Question #2 – Are You Safe to Be Vulnerable With Them?
This is one of the most crucial questions to ask about your romantic relationship. It’s a bad sign if you’re unable to share your feelings with your partner. This could mean that you have an issue being authentic or a fear of abandonment. It could also mean that your partner is disconnected from their emotions or emotionally immature. Intimacy is vital for healthy relationships, especially emotional intimacy. If you don’t feel safe to share your feelings with your partner, you need to figure out if you have a block or if they do. Either way, this block will need to be removed.
Question # 3 – Can You Resolve Conflict Without a Blow Up?
You need to be willing to listen to your partners’ perspective without interrupting or getting defensive. They need to be able to do the same for you. In addition, they need to show a willingness to change their perspective in light of new information, and vice versa. If the two of you can’t have an argument without it getting heated, then you will both need to take responsibility for that dynamic and commit to improving it. This goes double if one of you is prone to losing their temper and having outbursts. A person who can’t control themselves is probably not ready for a committed relationship and needs to heal emotionally.
The bottom line is this: conflict in relationships is necessary and unavoidable. Neither of you needs to be perfect or skilled in your conflict resolution as long as you’re both willing to work on it. One of the questions you need to ask about your romantic relationship is whether either you or your partner aren’t. If not, then the relationship is probably not the best thing for either of you.
Question # 4 – Are You Counting on Changing Them?
First of all, you can’t. Second, if you aren’t thrilled at the thought of being with this person for the rest of your life as they are today, then you’re probably settling. Third, if you look at your romantic history and find multiple people that you were trying to change, then you may have a problem with arrogance, control, and low self worth. If that’s the case, it’s ok. You’re in good company with the majority of humanity. Moreover, you can move past these things, starting with the low self worth. It’s crucial that you like yourself and believe you’re worthy of love, admiration, and acceptance as you are right now.
Question # 5 – Do You Feel Like You Have to Be Somebody Else to Make it Work?
It’s one thing if your partner challenges you here and there. They may even be a challenger personality – the type of person who will tell you what they’re thinking without sugar coating. None of these things are bad, and they can even be very good. That said, one of the questions you need to ask about your relationship is whether or not your partner is a cheerleader or a critic. Critical people are focused on negative things and are draining to be around. If your significant other is always criticizing you, then they could be a toxic person that you should stay away from in general.
Question #6 – Could You Weather Adversity?
If life were to get really hard tomorrow, how would your significant other respond? Would they jump into the foxhole with you, or would they complain? Are they always looking to get their needs met, or are they sacrificial? Have they ever weathered anything difficult themselves? If not, do they demonstrate integrity? Are they needy, or do they gladly give you space?
These are questions you need to ask about your relationship, about yourself, and about your partner.
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